I agree women need to be more assertive. I was talking to one of my guy friends about how I have barely ever noticed any harassment. The only times I’ve felt harrassed were in bad neighborhoods. He said the reason I don’t feel harassed is the same reason why I also don’t feel like anyone is ever hitting on me.

This is literally my world as an attractive woman:

1. almost never harassed
2. rarely hit on (few times per year)
3. had trouble picking up guys before Tinder
4. constantly wishing men would be more aggressive
5. never felt harassed even during 2 months in Italy

So I started paying more attention. When I was recently walking around a bar strip by myself waiting for a band to go on, a guy started talking to me. He was not aggressive at all. He just asked me where to get ice cream and told me he was new to the neighborhood. I was bored and I like meeting people, so I was happy to show him around and get him some ice cream. I told him I’d been stood up by my date that night (guy broke his phone and apologized). He asked if it could be a date. I said, “No, you aren’t my type.” He asked why not. I said, “I like really tall guys.” He said, “I’m 6'2'.” I said, “No, you’re 6' max.“ I entertained the idea for a second by asking about his interests. We shared none. I said, “Also, we have nothing in common.” Then I got distracted and wandered off. He followed me and asked me if I wanted to have sex. I laughed because this was hilarious. He said, “But I have an 8 inch dick.” I said, “That’s hilarious, but you know, I think that might be harassment.” It then occured to me this might be what other women perceive as harassment. But I didn’t feel harassed. He gave up. This whole incident was very entertaining.

I think the point of the story is I am too oblivious of harassment and too assertive for it to be a problem. I’m not afraid of people being mad at me, I’m extremely direct, and I’m disagreeable. The only exception maybe was with one 200+ lb male friend who threw temper tantrums — I did notice becoming less assertive with him to avoid the yelling. This is how sometimes I’m an asshole and I don’t realize it until someone explains it to me. Women are more agreeable on average, so I think they more often don’t want to upset anyone, they don’t want to be rude, they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

I don’t want to discount the #metoo movement, because I think it’s great, but I do wish we could focus on more serious incidents. I have had guys not respect that no meant no in sexual encounters, even when I set boundaries upfront. I think this is a serious problem area. Even just last week (warning: TMI), I could not get this guy to stop eating my ***** and ***. He offered to give me a massage but he was not massaging. He kept going for the ***** and ***, even after I told him not to. I had to actually yell at him to get him to stop. Then he’d keep coming back. I though this was a bit hilarious, but it’s also kind of messed up if you think about it. Later he got upset because he felt like I was trying too hard to control things and we decided we were not compatible.

I’ve been in these situations before. I’ve had guys literally cry (they were too sensitive) when I was assertive with them. I’ve gotten lectures on being “good, giving, and game,” just because I didn’t feel like doing what they wanted. I’ve had situations occur that would technically qualify as rape where the guys were just being f**king idiots. I’ve never had trouble getting them to stop because I yell and hit them. That makes them realize I’m serious.

Women talk as if guys are dangerous. Most really aren’t. The best way to get them to stop doing what you don’t want is to tell them. If they actually care about you, they will not be happy once they’ve realized they’ve dissapointed you. Even a stranger trying, generally, to win your approval generally will not be happy. One issue you can see in interactions with men and women, on average, is women tend to perceive a conflict faster I think. It takes a higher level of aggression and/or bitchiness to get through to a guy. But then, you know, there’s that pattern where assertive women are seen as bitchy, partly because we don’t expect this from women.

But then there are these stories where men get angry at women for rejecting them, presumably in situations where they don’t think these women should expect better. I’ve never encountered this except from men I gave a chance to at first and then retracted. Generally men will take no for an answer, and if they do keep trying, it will be through the so-called “orbiter” strategy, which is not a violation of my boundaries. The worst thing I’ve dealt with is guys trying to tell me how I can’t do better, how they’re special, how I shouldn’t be so superficial, etc. This is annoying, but it’s on me to keep rejecting them. I can relate to where they are coming from because I’m pushy too. The difference is I’d never try to put a man down to get him to give me a chance.