I can’t. This has been the problem.

The only thing I realized, and this will sound like a no-brainer, is that I don’t get just one try. I can try and fail, and I can keep trying. I’m still struggling with this concept because of issues with my ego. It’s hard to face what I’m not capable of and it’s hard to face everything other people do that makes me angry. Sometimes I get so angry I think I’ll snap.

But trying and failing now doesn’t mean I can’t keep trying. I just have to believe there are other routes I can take. But i get most depressed when I cannot think of any or when I see only one. If I see only one route, I get paralyzed because if I try it, and it doesn’t work, that’s game over.

I still struggle a lot with seeing an outcome/effort ratio as a measure of my capability. It’s easier to just not put in any effort at all. That way I can believe my outcome/effort potential ratio is much higher than it is and I’m just not trying. The trick to getting past this is to just allow for some things to be hard rather than seeing it all as a reflection on me not being capable enough to do the things I need to do.

And this all started because once upon a time, I was egotistical enough to think I could do anything I put my mind to. Maybe this is the problem. But I can’t accept failure. I think if I ever had to accept that succeeding at what I need to do wasn’t possible, I would resort to activities that would get me arrested.

Maybe none of this is really comparable to starting a company because I can’t tolerate failure. It is not an option.