I don’t know. I think I perceive social norms as rules I just have to follow. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to talk about it for the same reason I can’t just take a photo of my poop and put it on Instragram. I thought I’d be judged negatively and harshly and face some kind of social consequence — I don’t know exactly what. I did try to talk about the lack of vulvar anatomy to med students back in 2012. It bothered me that they sexualized the conversation. I remember feeling like, though I could talk about it as a general academic interest, I couldn’t say what happened to me. I got really upset about how I couldn’t talk about it because talking is normally how I get support and cope.

I only started talking about what happened to me with my surgery to guys I hooked up with. They were the only people I could be honest with about it. But there was this feeling that I might burden them too much with a problem that was not their fault or their business. When I had talked to my mom, she said I was a drain. So I didn’t want to talk about it too much. I wanted the impression to be that I was handling it. The problem with this was I closed myself off to potential help and advice.

I was really defensive about it. I’d tell them what happened. I told them because of what happened, I was working on a paper. One guy I dated asked what my goal was. I said I wanted to change education, training, and privileging. He said that was unrealistic and would take a lifetime. That upset me a lot so I got really defensive. I think I tried talking to him about my idea that ABOG and ACOG should be held liable somehow because he’s a lawyer, but he dismissed it. He said he thought I just needed to move on and get over it. He later said he’d rather date a barista with a plan. The problem is I never worked. I kept thinking I needed to do this before I could move on, but I wasn’t handling it.