Tbh I wasn’t actively afraid of being disliked. But I was held back for many years by a fear of failure.

I was also held back by a belief that I couldn’t talk about vulvas openly. I was afraid of being seen as a pervert. And I was afraid of people knowing what happened to me.

I used to respond very badly to my emails being ignored and stopped sending emails after only a few attempts. When I was given the opportunity to meet with the head of patient safety at a hospital in 2011, I did not go. I was afraid. I used to respond very badly to being told, “it’s your fault,” “what’s the big deal?”, “why does this matter?”, “detailed vulvar anatomy isn’t covered because its not medically relevant,” etc.

The truth is I could have done everything I have done in the past 2 years in 2011–2012, but I didn’t because I was afraid. I didn’t think I was actively afraid of being disliked, but I did feel ashamed. I even sent a message to my aunt saying, “Obviously I can’t have friends right now because I can’t tell people what I am working on.” What’s sad is neither she nor anyone ever called me out for this and let me know I could talk about it and be supported.

I was working on a paper to explain systemic negligence in medicine where vulvar anatomy and female sexual function are concerned. I went kind of crazy working on it because I isolated completely.

So maybe I care more about being liked than I realize. But it isn’t so much about a fear of being disliked so much as a fear of not being respected.