The ex who I call “the asshole” was not down for any kink whatsoever — submissive or otherwise. Meanwhile, I can get a lot of really sweet guys to be dominant. I guess I haven’t really dealt with “real life mistreaters.” Even “the asshole” was a feminist and a pretty good guy.

I have noticed there is a lot of misogyny on Fetlife. I suspect that men who are dominant in bed are more likely to be misogynists. I know one guy, for example, who I know likes to be dominant in bed (though I never hooked up with him), who also said, “Men can’t work with women unless men are in charge.” He said, “But you aren’t like other women” — we stopped being friends after that.

I’ve also had guys on porn sites try to tell me that my preferences for porn are revelatory if my “true” ideas about gender. This indicates that many of these types are truly sexist. However, there are many guys who can just play around.