To be fair, I’ll never understand why women freeze. I’ve been in rapey situations multiple times with guys who weigh about twice as much as me, and I didn’t have any trouble yelling and pushing them. None of them continued trying to force me. None of them actually meant me any harm.

I will never understand what goes through a woman’s head when she doesn’t even say “no.” I’ve had to say “no” firmly and repeatedly. I’ve had to yell at them and push them. And even in those cases, the guys insisted it was a misunderstanding. One of them, who had penetrated me after I told him “no” firmly and repeatedly, to which he agreed, literally cried when confronted. He told me he didn’t think I really meant it.

I think it is important to consider people’s intentions. Consent education is so important, but labeling men as sexual assailants when they were more than likely just being idiots is not exactly fair.

Based on what I’ve seen of men’s idiocy even when told “no” clearly, I think the “enthusiastic consent” standard sets the bar too high. Yes we need to teach men to take consent more seriously, to understand that “no” means “no,” to not pressure us, etc. But we also need to teach women to be assertive, to be strong, and to take some responsibility.

When did we become such shrinking violets?

Based on your story, this guy sounds like an idiot. It sounds like he probably ignored cues. It sounds like he was way to aggressive with someone he’d just met. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he called you up for a second date after that, being entirely clueless about what happened.

Also, you never even confronted him. He’ll never even know he did anything wrong. If you want men to learn, you need to actually tell them what you want and confront them when they mess up. More likely than not, he went on to continue treating every other woman he dates just like he treated you because he wasn’t made aware of any problem.

The way Aziz handled this woman’s confrontation by immediately apologizing was actually in good form. I personally have had guys say things like, “If you didn’t want that, you shouldn’t have gotten in my bed.” With one I threatened to post the texts he sent me at his hospital, informing him that his female colleagues would see it for what it was — an admission and justification of sexual assault. Then he apologized.

I’m extremely assertive and feisty, yet people have found a way to tell me it’s my fault. They say it must be my fault because I’ve had experiences like this multiple tones. No. The reason it’s happened multiple times is because I’ve dated a very large sample of men and the behavior is common to 5% of that sample. Simply begging and continuing to try but not crossing a physical boundary after being told “no” is common to more like 15%. And my sample should be less rapey than the average male population. So I can’t imagine how women survive dating with this inability to say “no.”